come home

The nose was worn out and so was the carpet that lined the floor next to the edge of the door. In a romantic novel he would have laid there till he died waiting for her return, but this was no romance. He circled the room one more time and gave one new scratch at the crack under the door. She wasn’t returning. In his youth he could stroll freely even on the outside. Things were different then there wasn’t anyone else around, just the two of them. But she always longed for more and the house on the outside of town is now a penthouse in the middle of the city. Once late night shared between the two of them he now spends alone and she never comes home. Again another lap around the room.

cut me

I thought it would hurt more. When the knife split the skin held taught between the thumb and the pointer finger of the surgeon. I was convinced it would hurt more as instruments of extraction plunged deep below my surface and began their dirty work. But there was no pain. I laid there in the calm and still of night. There were a few tears and my eyes were closed most of the time. And like that it was removed. All of these years of running from town to town trying to avoid the pain. And each unfortunate encounter with a medicine man sent me off again with new speed under foot. I have traversed all 7 seas and hid under all types of men’s sheets.

Last night I laid down without any medicine. In the still and the quiet I bared my flesh and pulled it back to the bones. After 31 years of living with this on the inside I watched as it was pulled from to the out. It was not as ugly as I imagined it would be. Nor was I as damaged by at as I initially thought. And like that it was gone. I woke this morning after a heavy sleep, my first night sleeping without it. I woke this morning to meet the doctors eyes and hear his words “you did alright, everything is going to be just fine”.

So now I am free of this disease. I will no longer infect the company I keep no pass it along to my offspring. I am free of all that ails me. So we are now free. We have removed the intruders, it is now just you and me.

Come here

YOU: I am like the man who lives across the street. I think of you often during the day and what you might be doing. I know what he is going through as he walks his walls and looks towards your door. I am like him in so many ways for I too long for your touch and your smell and that way you look back with that look in your eyes.

ME: You are nothing like the man who lives across the street. For you have touched this skin before, you have made me laugh and dance and I am still asking for more. You are nothing like the man from over there for I am not a mystery to you even if I still hold some magic.

YOU: I am like the man across the street because tonight I am thinking of you as I sleep alone. I am doing all I can to recall your smell, the feel of your skin the sound of your voice in the night air. I too am obsessed with my own ideas of you and what it might be like to pull you down into my bed, to push your hair back from your eyes, to watch your mouth open in delight. Him and I are the same tonight.

ME: you will never be like the man across the street. For what similarity could there be if you were to touch me and I were to soften. If you were to speak to me and it made me laugh. If you were to push your body into mine you must know I would push back.

YOU: please don’t ever stop.

the old chair

You push your back into the old leather chair and look around. How many homes have you lived in, how many apartmemnts, how many times have you changed your life? And now the years have caught up. This chair has been with you now almost as long as most of the books on the shelves that are looking back at you. It was many years ago when you swore that if nothing else you would always hold onto the books. So with you they have come. So many flights of stairs , so many make shift shelves and in reccent years its been nothibg but the best for these faithful companions. Only maple and mahogany. The deserve the nicest you can find. And you have spent more hours devoted to their care and happiness then you have your teeth. The painul reminder that you are human and you do live in a body. Seven trips to the dentist in the last three months and no end in sight. But let's not think of teeth right now, why start now. The books and this old leather chair you rewarded yourself with the first time a big check came in. So here all three of you now sit together after all these years, just you three. There have been a few women, they tried to join you they did their best, but it never worked out. even your son you kept at arms length. He is grown now and you smile because one day you will leave him this chair and these books and maybe then you will be close. So many years, so many apartments and homes, so many lovers and friends. You lean back heavy into the old leather chair and thumb a warn picture.

His Hands

His hands grabbed the back of my head. I felt myself get locked in between the bend on his elbow, the back of the car seat and his other arm. I moved to put off pleasure and curiosity, when I did his hand tightened. I realized that even if I desired to there was no freeing myself. So I surrendered. There on the long bench of his pick up trucks front seat, there parked on a busy street, there facing the passers by. I let him pin me down, one hand coming up my thigh, a thumb on my spot and the other holding my head in place. He filled my mouth with his tongue and his passionate kisses and I tried to enjoy myself. But there was no moisture forming between my legs. There was no magic in my belly. I felt nothing and all of a sudden a flash of fear. I like this man, he is a nice person to pass the afternoon with. I like his way, how he carries himself and the when he looks down at me from his height with gentle caring eyes. But there in the front of his truck, there in the sun and the passer by’s eyes I began to feel what I think I shouldn’t. There is another side to him. His hands are to strong, his grip to sure. My retreats are met with resistance, my squirms are held tight in place. So I surrender and I push back, kiss deeper and use my free hand to outline the head of his cock with the tip of my thumb. My curiosity gets the better of me and I continue to poke the sleeping bear.
He wants to see me again tonight. He will come to the bar I am going to see my friends show. He will buy me another drink and he will push his leg into mine under the table. He will come to the bar and present his softer side, greet my friends and convince me of what I know I have already agreed to. So he will take me home. But his hands are so strong and I don't know how I feel. It is different when it is happening and not just in your imagination. I will surrender with fear and pleasure, I will surrender with a smile and tense muscles and I will just surrender because what could happen is not worse that what hasn’t.

Gratitude

I have made a few mistakes
That is for sure
I’ve bulldozed through others door
Made myself comfortable
And destroyed others homes

Take this will you as my apology
Take this will you as a gentle bow

I keep making the same mistakes
That is for sure
I take more then is offered
Devour all there is in sight
And then take off in flight


Take this however you may
Take this friend its all I have
I did the same to you as I have always done
I am not better now then I ever was
I am sorry you met me

Withdrawal

Withdrawal is setting in
This familiar chill and the cadence of shivers
This is my home and ill invite in anyone I choose

I am so far from letting go
This fight is far from over


So many wasted quarters on not calling
I spent all last night earning these holes in my shoes

Admittance of imperfections
And dangerous faults

No wonder I cant sleep
The air here is to thick to breath


I have never hated any one as much as I do you

Your inability
And my lack of strength
Your disclose
And my nudity